[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
You Might Also Like
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.