me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.