My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
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One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.