If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
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*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.