People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
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sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
The future is now.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?