Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
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If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!