MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you