Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.