{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
titanic
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats