If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
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I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Goodnight 🐶
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[eulogy]
line?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.