Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn