How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
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doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I like long walks away from everyone
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.