[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
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ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost