Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.