Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
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Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker