keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
23. the denim jacket
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
never forget
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding