[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
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Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.