I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.