I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
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me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell