LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
You Might Also Like
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too