Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
181.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Guys, I found it.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I鈥檒l only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Had an epiphany today.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 馃檪
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you鈥檙e still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I鈥檓 proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we鈥檙e going to sell the house just in case.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”