“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??