It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.