My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.