“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.