FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
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When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what