boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
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My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Cats (2019)
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.