Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
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My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.