*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
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Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Most fashion shows these days…
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Probably my best painting.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash