Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
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asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
the greatest twitter interaction
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.