My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
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The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My five year plan is a meteorite
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Weirdly Wednesday.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.