Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
pelicons
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like