Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
You Might Also Like
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.