God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
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Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Message from the dog groomers
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.