Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Wait a second…
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea