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Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*