Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Last-minute gift idea!
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.