Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
<- sleeps well with others
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.