Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
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If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days