I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
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[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
mom had nothing to worry about
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either