If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.