Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
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whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
adding to the discourse
how do y’all walk in shallow water