*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Meow
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ