Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken