When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.