I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.