Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
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“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”