This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack