What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars