Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
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Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
The opposite of goth is stopth.
This has made my week.
🍞🦆
Not today.. 😂